Fireballs Chicken
by WSFic
Summary: If one loses a bet, one's got to pay. Among other things, the payment includes an attempt to fix Ikkaku's love life and some home improvement arrangements. ShuuxYumi, like the rest of them. Set during Yumichika's second downtime after Karakura mission.


1. The Bet. 

The discussion started as purely theoretical – how many orgasms one could fit in eighteen minutes. Yumichika claimed that using two feathers only he could squeeze out two. Shuuhei laughed and called it a complete bull, even with something more substantial than two flimsy feathers, one was the limit, and the sooner Yumi would face the reality, the better.

Shuuhei could gladly prove it. Right. Besides, the winner was about to get his hair done eighteen times, and he'd rather enjoyed the sensation of Yumi's fingers gently touching his temples and ruffling through his hair. The moments like that, sweet and rare, were to be collected, savored, and then turned into the cherished memories that come so handy during the hard times. Shuuhei quickly calculated the total time of the benefits, and these four to eight hours spread over a few days started to look promising.

He had his first doubts about the true nature of the deal, when Yumichika reached out for his zanpakutou.

"What? I can use any feathers I want and I don't recall ever mentioning they would be detached from Fujikujaku. He'd be offended, if I plucked his feathers, don't you think?"

Shuuhei had just enough time to renew his oath to quit betting before his mind took pity on him and left.

"I guess I lost," admitted Yumichika some twenty minutes later, bracing his elbows firmly against the futon. "I wonder how did that happen?"

2. The Payoff.

Seven done, eleven to go, eighteen total.

"Ouch! That was low, Yumi!"

"That was not low enough. I warned you not to look back, so would you, please, stop wiggling. Beauty requires regular sacrifices and I'm making one now. Why was I ever under the impression that you could take some pain for the sake of beauty or for my sake, which is essentially the same thing, huh?"

He sighed. Occasional pain was nothing, it was the motionless that was getting on his nerves. He was not allowed to peek and see what Yumichika was doing, but Yumichika's voice and scent were comfortably filling the space around him, making the whole ordeal bearable.

"You could have your own seminar at the Academy, Yumi. Kidou Sexual Practices, or something like that."

"They are all dead, I've got nothing to tell them."

"Technically we are all dead. Besides, you haven't even been there! Do you still need these clips?"

"Yeah, hold on to them. I've been there. As a matter of fact, I go there every year and sometimes even twice a year."

"Oh, recruits. I forgot." The Academy trips always brought up the memories that Shuuhei would rather let lie dormant. Yet, those visits were a necessary evil, skip just one and anyone remotely good would be snatched by the headhunters from other divisions.

"No, we gladly take in whatever idiot near dropouts they usually send us and after some drilling they fit right in. That's not a challenge. My reasons are selfish and personal... I'm looking for a girl… Freeze! Dammit! Can't you hold seventeen items simultaneously? Don't move, silly, I'll pick them up."

Shuuhei didn't even think to move. If Yumichika was making a dramatic impression, he succeeded. It was so stupid to get caught with something as simple as that? Meanwhile, Yumichika finished picking up the tools and continued, as if nothing had happened.

"I'm looking for a girlfriend for Ikkaku. And when I find her, I'm going to plant her in our division and let the nature take over... Scissors, please."

He held the scissors up. Right. A girlfriend.

"Anyway, Ikkaku needs a girl that would make an effort to push back any bullshit from me. He calls it character strength or some silly crap like that, but if it's not there he's bored within two days, so I have to factor it in. Now, two clips. The red ones."

"I see the bullshit point." Of course, Ikkaku was not the only one whose interest was driven by resistance, but it wasn't like he had any choice. He was not stupid to allow Yumichika to do anything he pleased. No way!

"The girl must be blonde and look more like a boy. I mean nothing should remind Ikkaku of Ran-chan. Don't drop the scissors again, please. Please."

"Matsumoto's blonde, isn't she?"

"Very observant."

Shuuhei's head was spinning. Whatever Yumichika was telling him made no sense at all. He bit back the remark about the difference between boys and girls, for it would certainly make Yumichika's day, if not two. "Isn't it easier to search for a boy in the first place? I mean a guy... since she has to look like one…"

"Of course, not. She's got to smell right and that's the tricky part. The round comb, please."

"Wait, wait, wait!" The fog in his head started to clear and the pieces of the puzzle were slowly coming together.

"What's wrong?"

"You are telling me, basically, that you go around the Academy campus chasing girls, sniffing them, and harassing the prospective ones."

"Yep! That's called a job interview. Tilt your head forward."

"That's disgusting! You're checking out what their scent is like during these so called job interviews! Totally unprofessional!"

"What's disgusting?" Yumichika swiftly leaned down to his ear and started whispering. "I sniffed you, you sniffed me, what happened to that perfect memory of yours? And you still keep sniffing. All the time. See, I always notice disgusting things like that. You may breathe, by the way."

"I cannot breathe when you stick your nose in my ear." He would punch the bastard, if his hands were free. It wasn't true! He wasn't sniffing Yumi at all, was he?

"Why do you think my nose is there, huh? Oh, I almost forgot, you can't think when I bite it either. Well, I'm done. And now it's time to appreciate my work of art in a proper way."

Two seconds was all it took Yumichika to turn around with a mirror.

"It's… It's… It's…" Shuuhei looked in the mirror and couldn't even recognize himself in the fuzzy splash of color that was supposed to be his reflection. Intoxicating was the only word on his mind.

"It's called Fireballs Chicken. Each tuft of feathers is attached to its own short braid. Mix orange, red, and yellow, and they will burn before you know it. I can literally see the bursts of flame coming out. Isn't it lovely? However, if you keep pushing your reiatsu up, my barrier will crumble and you will start a live broadcas..."

Eight done, ten to go, eighteen total.

3. The Aftermath.

By the end of this tiring and emotionally charged day that included lots and lots of art appreciation, Shuuhei was generous enough to think about the less fortunate. Perhaps, if Yumichika cared so much about Ikkaku's love life, he might figure out how to fix Kira's.

"I'm sorta worried about Kira..." he started carefully, unsure how to explain Kira's current depressed state.

"Kira? Umm... Kira-Kira-Kira-kun. Excellent thinking, Shuu-chan. I just knew you'd come up with something original. Tomorrow we're gonna pay your Kira-kun a visit."

"Huh? What for?"

"For a little sniff, of course, silly."

"WHAT? You said you were looking for a girl!"

"Oh, that... I made it up."

Shuuhei counted till nine, trying to calm down. "We're going to see Kira-kun after you buy me a new mirror. "

"What? I've bought you seven mirrors already!"

"No mirror, no Kira-kun."

"Well..." Yumichika's eyes lit up. "A mirror on the ceiling might turn out to be a really nice touch. As an added bonus, you won't be able to hit my head with it."

"I never..."

"Of course, you never. But. I cannot let you sell your best friend out... cheap."


End file.
